is it really...

i wonder sometimes why i live the existence i do currently.  as much as i try to deny it.  i love people.  i love their idiosyncrasies.  i love how they believe they are hot or sexy and in my view they look like baffoons. i love people watching.  it's just that long ago way back in my life, i developed the social anxiety called shyness.  now, even at 40, i still find it hard to put myself out there.  i'd rather stay home than take a chance on being in a crowd of people who ignore me.  i don't like being ignored.  yet i don't have the intestinal fortitude to do small talk.  i truly hate it.  i'm more afraid of sounding stupid and the conversation being a dead end.  up until now, i've had the excuse of my children.  not having is one of those insurmountable excuses.  or having to play taxi.  come may i won't have these excuses anymore.  i guess i'd better get a head start