i guess it's fitting...maybe not

Today is Thanksgiving.  I had wanted to be in Pensacola today but because the brat works on Saturday, I changed my plans.  I'll still be with family as I am driving down to Columbus (actually Fort Mitchell, AL) to share the day with my neice and her family.  I'm going to enjoy myself considering I didn't have to cook.  I wonder if her husband knows any single army guys he can invite .....lol

Today is even more momentus for my youngest.  Her donater's family lives in the area so I will be dropping her off to spend some time with them.  They have no seen her since she was a little over a year old.  I take my share of the blame.  Back then I was a bitter bi...err woman because not one but two me had left me high and dry to rear to children alone.  At the time, his family claimed to not know where he was or how to contact him.  I believed this to be a total lie as I could not grasp that to be possible.  I mean I may have wanted away from my family but I kept in touch and they always knew where I was and how to find me.  The ties broke when m ex's grandmother wanted to come get the girls for a weekend.  I will give them their due as they spent as much time with the oldest even though she's not their biological family.  That being said, not only was I bitter but I was hugely paranoid.  I said no and never heard from them again.  I was remiss in maintaining contact with them and the did the same.  Eighteen years later, her uncle finds her on facebook and they have been having a long distance relationship.

Yeah well later I'm dropping her off to spend the day or at least some time with them.  Not sure how I feel about that.  The mother in me does not want to leave her with them.  I don't want to hang out with them but I don't exactly want to be around them for more time than I have to.  Could this have to do with some lingering resentment over my ex having told me they disliked me on the spot?  Oh hell yeah it does.  I've worked through a lot of my issues but that's more because I had the chance to confront the catalyst.  I should let it go but I've never been able to accept someone condeming me when they don't know me.  Especially when there a bond such as I have in this situation.

So what am I going to do?  I'm going to go buy a cake to take to my neice's.  She told me not to bring anything but Theresa would thrash in her grave if I did that.  Then I will drive the 2 hours it takes to get to Columbus and drop the brat off.  Then my very active imagination will kick in and I'll worry over what's happen and how she's doing.  I hope my neice has some alcohol.

dead beats, liars and ne'erdowells

Today is Father's Day.  More so than ever, I miss my daddy and regret he missed so much of my life.  My girls know him only in the memories shared by family.  Today also breaks my heart that my girls didn't get that chance with their donaters.  I say donaters because neither of the waste of ...okay I'm calm now.  Whew!

You see the men who donated to cause didn't help.  Neither of them were instrumental in making my girls the young women they are today.  As much as I want to strangle them, I admire and boast of them being two the smartest people I know. 

So for the one who's trying to play robin to my batman, it's too late.  She's grown, has a mind of her own and I taught her how to take care of herself.  Believe me when I say, she knows I have a standing commitment to castrate anyone who uses and/or abuses her.

To the other one with blasian twins, everything you have or have not done to me will return to you tenfold.  The state of Georgia might help you dick me around but God will have his say.  Just remember the lies you've told and the misdeeds when you are called before Him and he points you to a fiery pit in hell

it's a life mission

every year for the last seven years, i've started the year (did i use year too many times?) by choosing something about me i wanted to work on.  little goals would come up but there is always one major goal.  like 2010 was to try to be more soft and not as anal.  didn't work so much but hey, they are people who considered me a serious *&^I*%$# who don't anymore.  this year, i chose the final frontier...my weight.

you see, growing up, most of the women in my family are voluptuous.  i wrote a self fulfilling prophecy and resigned myself to being big and beautiful *smile*  i *know* this didn't have to be my fate but with so much else going on, why not?  i subscribed to the takemeorleaveme attitude.  i came to realize though, i'm not happy carrying an extra person.  a lot of my defensiveness stemmed from knowing people look at me and see a lazy, good for nothing fat ass.  that's so not me.  also, how could i continue to be proud of being a Marine if i didn't own up to what i am/was doing to myself. 

then there were the excuses and rationalizations. the company i work for built us a gym and it's free to use, so i have no excuse for not exercising. i even let vanity whisper in my ear about how people would stare at me. i know all about healthy eating so we can strike that excuse.  again with the self fulfilling prophesy "i've done this before and never lost a lot but gained more than i wanted".  then a voice whispered in my head.  "if you do weight watchers it will work." it was the voice of the little five foot woman i go see once a year to make sure all my female parts are ok.  she's been on me since i started as her patient five years ago.  then there was ok so i do weight watchers, how do i fit in my budget, what would i have to give up?  yeah well it's only 13 bucks a week.  okay but i'm going to have to go out of my way to go to meetings.  *sigh* i know....get it done!

it was like a bunch of signs kept pointing me toward this one goal...take off the pounds.  my job (i really work for a pretty decent company) offered an atwork weightwatchers group.  then my gyno wrote a letter so i can pay for it through my FSA which already comes out of my check.  not to mention the little girl who sits next to me at work going "cj you need to do this with me."  FINE!!! ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!  i went, i signed up and i got busy.  that first week i lost 3 lbs.  the next week i lost another 3 and lost steadily for the first four weeks. then i gained 1.8 and and another .6.  about ready to walk away at this point. 

so i'm sitting in the meeting thinking "i knew this wasn't going to work" and something the leader said caught my attention.  she said, "you shouldn't let the scale control you because this is not a lose weight now and leave it.  this should become your way of life."  so i started paying attention because she's right.  on this program, i am not doing anything special.  i am eating what i want when i want.  gotta have those mcdonald's fries every now and then right?  what i'm doing is retraining my thought processes about food and making myself do better.  i am making myself not skip a meal or eat some junk because it's quicker.  i am taking control of more than my life.  if i eat a snickers or a danish, i am only accountable to myself.  so when i get on that scale and i've gained, i know it's my fault and not the program.  i am doing what i preach about all the time.  I AM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.

yes genetics is a part of this because i have to work harder knowing i am predisposed to being overweight.  it's okay though.  if it takes a couple years to drop this other person i'm carrying, so be it.  i am 17 lbs lighter than i was in march and hopefully by my birthday i will be twice that.  i'm in no rush but i am determined.  so when i fall off the wagon, i won't just sit waiting for someone to put me back on.  i'll do it myself because this is about me and making me a better person.  me being happy.  me enjoying life the way i want, not how i am relegated because of my size

it's done

so last friday my baby girl graduated.  i am melancholy.  on the one hand i want her to go experience the world and on the other, i don't want to see her leave.  i am sure most or all parents go through this.  if she leaves, then who is going to be standing at the top of the stairs when i come in from work?  who is going to sneak and eat up my "healthy" snacks while i'm gone?  who's going to eat my leftovers when i go to my favorite restauran?  who's going to be the security of knowing when something bumps in the house?  yeah i know i'm being selfish but here's the thing, for 21 years i've mommy, ma or mother.  i don't know anything else to be.  so give me a minute to figure out this transition.

for all that, i still want her to leave home and do something.  i believe i am a much better person for having gotten out and done the few things i have.  i can't imagine have stayed in pensacola for the rest of my life.  that wasn't my destiny.  i had a wanderlust from a very young age.  i knew my happiness was somewhere else.  but i could and would have given up my happiness by staying because one person - my mother.  she didn't encourage me to leave but she didn't demand i stay.  she is the one and only reason i would have remained in pensacola.  that's not to say i do not love and miss my family (huge as it is) but they have their own children and grandchildren.  they are content.  i was not.  i don't want that for my children.  i don't want to feel tied to a place because of me.  i will be alright.  and if i'm not, a car or plane will get them to me. 

i know my youngest is struggling right now and i don't want to push her one way or the other.  but i dont want her to stay home because she's afraid of leaving me or being alone.  there's too much out there for her to experience and so much waiting for her to come get it

is it really...

i wonder sometimes why i live the existence i do currently.  as much as i try to deny it.  i love people.  i love their idiosyncrasies.  i love how they believe they are hot or sexy and in my view they look like baffoons. i love people watching.  it's just that long ago way back in my life, i developed the social anxiety called shyness.  now, even at 40, i still find it hard to put myself out there.  i'd rather stay home than take a chance on being in a crowd of people who ignore me.  i don't like being ignored.  yet i don't have the intestinal fortitude to do small talk.  i truly hate it.  i'm more afraid of sounding stupid and the conversation being a dead end.  up until now, i've had the excuse of my children.  not having is one of those insurmountable excuses.  or having to play taxi.  come may i won't have these excuses anymore.  i guess i'd better get a head start