it's done

so last friday my baby girl graduated.  i am melancholy.  on the one hand i want her to go experience the world and on the other, i don't want to see her leave.  i am sure most or all parents go through this.  if she leaves, then who is going to be standing at the top of the stairs when i come in from work?  who is going to sneak and eat up my "healthy" snacks while i'm gone?  who's going to eat my leftovers when i go to my favorite restauran?  who's going to be the security of knowing when something bumps in the house?  yeah i know i'm being selfish but here's the thing, for 21 years i've mommy, ma or mother.  i don't know anything else to be.  so give me a minute to figure out this transition.

for all that, i still want her to leave home and do something.  i believe i am a much better person for having gotten out and done the few things i have.  i can't imagine have stayed in pensacola for the rest of my life.  that wasn't my destiny.  i had a wanderlust from a very young age.  i knew my happiness was somewhere else.  but i could and would have given up my happiness by staying because one person - my mother.  she didn't encourage me to leave but she didn't demand i stay.  she is the one and only reason i would have remained in pensacola.  that's not to say i do not love and miss my family (huge as it is) but they have their own children and grandchildren.  they are content.  i was not.  i don't want that for my children.  i don't want to feel tied to a place because of me.  i will be alright.  and if i'm not, a car or plane will get them to me. 

i know my youngest is struggling right now and i don't want to push her one way or the other.  but i dont want her to stay home because she's afraid of leaving me or being alone.  there's too much out there for her to experience and so much waiting for her to come get it