every year for the last seven years, i've started the year (did i use year too many times?) by choosing something about me i wanted to work on. little goals would come up but there is always one major goal. like 2010 was to try to be more soft and not as anal. didn't work so much but hey, they are people who considered me a serious *&^I*%$# who don't anymore. this year, i chose the final frontier...my weight.
you see, growing up, most of the women in my family are voluptuous. i wrote a self fulfilling prophecy and resigned myself to being big and beautiful *smile* i *know* this didn't have to be my fate but with so much else going on, why not? i subscribed to the takemeorleaveme attitude. i came to realize though, i'm not happy carrying an extra person. a lot of my defensiveness stemmed from knowing people look at me and see a lazy, good for nothing fat ass. that's so not me. also, how could i continue to be proud of being a Marine if i didn't own up to what i am/was doing to myself.
then there were the excuses and rationalizations. the company i work for built us a gym and it's free to use, so i have no excuse for not exercising. i even let vanity whisper in my ear about how people would stare at me. i know all about healthy eating so we can strike that excuse. again with the self fulfilling prophesy "i've done this before and never lost a lot but gained more than i wanted". then a voice whispered in my head. "if you do weight watchers it will work." it was the voice of the little five foot woman i go see once a year to make sure all my female parts are ok. she's been on me since i started as her patient five years ago. then there was ok so i do weight watchers, how do i fit in my budget, what would i have to give up? yeah well it's only 13 bucks a week. okay but i'm going to have to go out of my way to go to meetings. *sigh* i know....get it done!
it was like a bunch of signs kept pointing me toward this one goal...take off the pounds. my job (i really work for a pretty decent company) offered an atwork weightwatchers group. then my gyno wrote a letter so i can pay for it through my FSA which already comes out of my check. not to mention the little girl who sits next to me at work going "cj you need to do this with me." FINE!!! ALRIGHT ALREADY!!! i went, i signed up and i got busy. that first week i lost 3 lbs. the next week i lost another 3 and lost steadily for the first four weeks. then i gained 1.8 and and another .6. about ready to walk away at this point.
so i'm sitting in the meeting thinking "i knew this wasn't going to work" and something the leader said caught my attention. she said, "you shouldn't let the scale control you because this is not a lose weight now and leave it. this should become your way of life." so i started paying attention because she's right. on this program, i am not doing anything special. i am eating what i want when i want. gotta have those mcdonald's fries every now and then right? what i'm doing is retraining my thought processes about food and making myself do better. i am making myself not skip a meal or eat some junk because it's quicker. i am taking control of more than my life. if i eat a snickers or a danish, i am only accountable to myself. so when i get on that scale and i've gained, i know it's my fault and not the program. i am doing what i preach about all the time. I AM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.
yes genetics is a part of this because i have to work harder knowing i am predisposed to being overweight. it's okay though. if it takes a couple years to drop this other person i'm carrying, so be it. i am 17 lbs lighter than i was in march and hopefully by my birthday i will be twice that. i'm in no rush but i am determined. so when i fall off the wagon, i won't just sit waiting for someone to put me back on. i'll do it myself because this is about me and making me a better person. me being happy. me enjoying life the way i want, not how i am relegated because of my size
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