Today I spent a lot of time avoiding Facebook.  You see there's this guy Colin Kaepernick.  He's a quarterback for the San Francisco 49'ers.  He used to be decent but now, he seems to have lost it.  Well, he decided he's no longer going to stand when the national anthem plays.  The aftershock is still rolling strong.  There have been videos of fans burning his jersey.  Dakota Meyer decided to put his two cents in.  It seems as if everyone is blasting him for making a personal choice.  

I get it.  When I first saw the story, my immediate reaction was "WHOA." Then I started to read all the stories and open letters.  Well, it was enough to make me grind my teeth and want to burn some people at the stake.  

First let me point out, Michael Phelps laughed during his medal ceremony.  LAUGHED.  It trended for about two hours.  The only reaction was a question during a follow-up interview.  No outrage.  No "this guy is a POS." No "he needs to respect the flag."  Just nothing.  Crickets.  Unlike preseason football, this broadcast on national TV during prime time.  So I've asked a few times in the last few days what is the difference in the laugh and sitting.  No one answers me.  I'm not leaving it alone.  Someone will give me an answer hopefully.

The other part are the veterans who are wrapping themselves in their service and flogging the guy at every turn.  These are the same guys who joke about dodging colors.  You see every day, on every military base, colors is played for everyone to hear as the flag is raised at sun up and lowered at sun down.  If you're outside in uniform, you're supposed to snap to attention in the direction of the flag and render a salute.  You hold that position until the last note fades.  If you are not in uniform, you simply snap to facing the direction of the flag.  When the last note fades, you can go on about your business.  These same people who are slamming Colin and calling him a piece of shit are the same individuals who scatter like roaches when that warning bugle play.  They have even thought it was funny to hold the door, so their compatriot is stuck outside because he didn't get in fast enough.  How fuckin hypocritical and self-righteous.

They have tied his actions to his level of patriotism.  One has nothing to do with the other.  Most of the people slamming him weren't patriotic enough to put on a uniform every day for a minimum of two to four years and answer the call to support this country's interest without question.  I bet they all have their little excuse about why they didn't serve.  Not that service makes you more patriotic but if you love the country so damn much, why didn't you write that blank check?  Why didn't you raise your right hand and vow to support and defend??? WHY?????

A guy I consider a friend said Colin's actions are probably the American thing a person can do.  I agree wholeheartedly.  The constitution of this nation allows that a citizen may protest any grievances they feel the country has visited upon them.  His protest was quiet and nonviolent.  He did not incite anarchy or a riot.  He simply did not stand to pay homage to symbols of this country which he feels has failed us.  We have all been lamenting that failure.  We have done nothing more than bitch whine and complain on Facebook or in personal conversation.  At least Colin made an effort.

Finally, for all the veterans who say what he did is a slap in the face for your sacrifice, you're a damn liar.  You sacrificed so he could do this. Your service was to protect his right to protest.  You are the last ones who should stand in judgment of his actions.  You should puff your chest out with pride that he's not going along to get along.  You should know your service has not been in vain. To say or anything else makes you a hypocrite and shames your service.

To Colin much respect.  I might have gone about it a different way, but you do you ok?

White people, no offense, but ya'll need to sit down and shut up

For the past couple weeks I've been simmering on a low boil.  People who know me will attest I don't play the "white man is out to get me" thing.  I am a firm believer that no matter your ethnicity, you are your biggest roadblock. When faced with a situation, one should eliminate all other contributions before settling on race.  I've had just as many black people do dirty things to me as I have others.  I can also look back on my life and find many more others who have encouraged or helped me when I needed it.  I've been accused of denying or forgetting I am black.  Not sure how that happens but okay.  The last couple weeks though, or more the last year, has seen me speak more and more on black issues.  My effort is to try to help my other friends, associates and acquaintances understand why black people feel the way they do.  So let me try a different tack.  Let me lay it out from my perspective.

On the political front you have Republicans who are trying to feed the black community, from a long handle spoon, the idea that Democrats have used and abused us.  They Dems have kept us beholden to them with social programs and ideas of hope.  That's such complete and utter bullshit.  It's because of those social programs that we can try to live a semblance of a decent, dignified life.  Let's talk about the Republicans.  When asked what have they done for us, they crown in glory is Lincoln freed the slaves.  These people have never read the document.  I was inclined to read it years ago when my Economics instructor challenged me on whether or not the proclamation really freed the slaves.  I was humbled to concede it did not.  The Emancipation Proclamation is documented as Lincoln's act to end slavery.  In fact, he did not wish to end ALL slavery.  He intended to end slavery in the states which had ceded the Union.  Read the document.  It stated "states in rebellion."  At the time, there were slave states which were not in rebellion.  Communication being what it was in those days and the way of human nature, people heard the words slaves, free in the same sentence and off it went.  Now after the information is passed far and wide, there is no way Lincoln can contradict this right? So yeah he freed the slaves, by accident.

Then they hang their hats on the 15th amendment.  Well again, that was just window dressing.  Let me set the stage.  Since 1863, black people were considered free but the government did nothing to make them whole.  They were left to the machinations of things like the night riders aka KKK, Jim Crow laws, segregation and any other local law people saw fit to enact.  Imagine even in northern states there were separate bathrooms and eating areas.  So we come to 1870 and the government puts another band aid on the issue by ratifying an amendment to allow black people to vote. Except they specifically noted race, color or previous servitude.  This meant states, especially southern states had to get crafty.  They did and blacks were still largely prevented from voting.  It would be a hundred years after being given their freedom before blacks would see some type of equality with he Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965.  Both of these measures passed with a majority of Democratic votes.  Suck on that Republicans.

So with the orange dude talking about blacks in impoverished neighborhoods and broken homes has been grating on my nerves.  A man who is a serial philanderer, has been married three times, has a total of five kids from these marriages wants to talk about broken homes?  The cajones it takes to do that and act like you're a savior is mind boggling.  Further, it's an inaccurate picture of the black community.  His data is way off and there is just as many troubled children in two parent homes as in one parent.  I guess his stepford family is supposed to be a model. My biggest issue is he and his cronies saying Democrats want to keep black people impoverished.  Democrats are the only ones who have tried to help us but neither party has our best interest at heart.  They are the ones using us as a tool to get votes.

Let's level set.  Black people are not clueless to the failings of the Democratic party or their candidate.  Black people just aren't interested in hearing promises from a guy who has spent his whole life plotting against us.  You cannot wipe away the investigations which found he would not rent to minorities simply because they weren't white.  You cannot hide the full page ad he put on the central park five.  We know about the firing of black dealers in his casinos.  Most importantly, we know his degrees were bought and paid for by his daddy.  The man has the intellect of a stoner.  I take that back. a crackhead is smarter than this guy.  Black women are the fastest growing group with secondary and post graduate degrees.  Contrary to what you might believe, there are more black men sitting in college than standing on a corner.  GOP stop pandering to the lowest common denominator. It won't work.

To all the black people who are getting on his bandwagon, remember, you are still just a black person.  Ride his train all you want.  In the end, you will get squashed with the rest of us if the evil he has stirred up continues to rise.

I've been filling up facebook with my rambling and tirades.  They revolve around the absolute idiotic tendency of people to pass information that is half or totally not true.  I tell myself let it go but then I see all these other people in the amen corner and, well next thing you know my finger is swiping on the keyboard.  

When I see things that call to my emotions, I research it.  Mostly I do.  Sometimes I share simply because I don't really care.  Sometimes I share just to see what sort of rise I can get out of the people in my friends' list.  I don't share news stories unless they come from an established news outlet like the national media or well known newspapers.  I'm even skeptical of Politico, Breibart and Huffington Post.  These other fly by night internet rags are out there just because some dude majored in journalism (a dying field) and sits in his mom's basement inciting a riot over bs.  Ok maybe that's harsh but really. Anybody can clip and cut video with software found on the internet.  They are good for taking a printed story and using parts of it out of context.  People eat it up.  It's amazing to me how many people believe things simply because it's on some official looking news site but claim others are blind and naive.  Hilarious.

My rule of thumb is, if a hundred percent of the story is my exact opinion or feeds more into something I detest, then it's probably not worth believing.  I will go look for other stories to corroborate or disprove what I read.  It's not that hard.  Thirty seconds of typing to get a hundred links.  

But people are happy in their ignorance and they can't or refuse to see the other side.

i guess it's fitting...maybe not

Today is Thanksgiving.  I had wanted to be in Pensacola today but because the brat works on Saturday, I changed my plans.  I'll still be with family as I am driving down to Columbus (actually Fort Mitchell, AL) to share the day with my neice and her family.  I'm going to enjoy myself considering I didn't have to cook.  I wonder if her husband knows any single army guys he can invite .....lol

Today is even more momentus for my youngest.  Her donater's family lives in the area so I will be dropping her off to spend some time with them.  They have no seen her since she was a little over a year old.  I take my share of the blame.  Back then I was a bitter bi...err woman because not one but two me had left me high and dry to rear to children alone.  At the time, his family claimed to not know where he was or how to contact him.  I believed this to be a total lie as I could not grasp that to be possible.  I mean I may have wanted away from my family but I kept in touch and they always knew where I was and how to find me.  The ties broke when m ex's grandmother wanted to come get the girls for a weekend.  I will give them their due as they spent as much time with the oldest even though she's not their biological family.  That being said, not only was I bitter but I was hugely paranoid.  I said no and never heard from them again.  I was remiss in maintaining contact with them and the did the same.  Eighteen years later, her uncle finds her on facebook and they have been having a long distance relationship.

Yeah well later I'm dropping her off to spend the day or at least some time with them.  Not sure how I feel about that.  The mother in me does not want to leave her with them.  I don't want to hang out with them but I don't exactly want to be around them for more time than I have to.  Could this have to do with some lingering resentment over my ex having told me they disliked me on the spot?  Oh hell yeah it does.  I've worked through a lot of my issues but that's more because I had the chance to confront the catalyst.  I should let it go but I've never been able to accept someone condeming me when they don't know me.  Especially when there a bond such as I have in this situation.

So what am I going to do?  I'm going to go buy a cake to take to my neice's.  She told me not to bring anything but Theresa would thrash in her grave if I did that.  Then I will drive the 2 hours it takes to get to Columbus and drop the brat off.  Then my very active imagination will kick in and I'll worry over what's happen and how she's doing.  I hope my neice has some alcohol.

dead beats, liars and ne'erdowells

Today is Father's Day.  More so than ever, I miss my daddy and regret he missed so much of my life.  My girls know him only in the memories shared by family.  Today also breaks my heart that my girls didn't get that chance with their donaters.  I say donaters because neither of the waste of ...okay I'm calm now.  Whew!

You see the men who donated to cause didn't help.  Neither of them were instrumental in making my girls the young women they are today.  As much as I want to strangle them, I admire and boast of them being two the smartest people I know. 

So for the one who's trying to play robin to my batman, it's too late.  She's grown, has a mind of her own and I taught her how to take care of herself.  Believe me when I say, she knows I have a standing commitment to castrate anyone who uses and/or abuses her.

To the other one with blasian twins, everything you have or have not done to me will return to you tenfold.  The state of Georgia might help you dick me around but God will have his say.  Just remember the lies you've told and the misdeeds when you are called before Him and he points you to a fiery pit in hell

it's a life mission

every year for the last seven years, i've started the year (did i use year too many times?) by choosing something about me i wanted to work on.  little goals would come up but there is always one major goal.  like 2010 was to try to be more soft and not as anal.  didn't work so much but hey, they are people who considered me a serious *&^I*%$# who don't anymore.  this year, i chose the final frontier...my weight.

you see, growing up, most of the women in my family are voluptuous.  i wrote a self fulfilling prophecy and resigned myself to being big and beautiful *smile*  i *know* this didn't have to be my fate but with so much else going on, why not?  i subscribed to the takemeorleaveme attitude.  i came to realize though, i'm not happy carrying an extra person.  a lot of my defensiveness stemmed from knowing people look at me and see a lazy, good for nothing fat ass.  that's so not me.  also, how could i continue to be proud of being a Marine if i didn't own up to what i am/was doing to myself. 

then there were the excuses and rationalizations. the company i work for built us a gym and it's free to use, so i have no excuse for not exercising. i even let vanity whisper in my ear about how people would stare at me. i know all about healthy eating so we can strike that excuse.  again with the self fulfilling prophesy "i've done this before and never lost a lot but gained more than i wanted".  then a voice whispered in my head.  "if you do weight watchers it will work." it was the voice of the little five foot woman i go see once a year to make sure all my female parts are ok.  she's been on me since i started as her patient five years ago.  then there was ok so i do weight watchers, how do i fit in my budget, what would i have to give up?  yeah well it's only 13 bucks a week.  okay but i'm going to have to go out of my way to go to meetings.  *sigh* i know....get it done!

it was like a bunch of signs kept pointing me toward this one goal...take off the pounds.  my job (i really work for a pretty decent company) offered an atwork weightwatchers group.  then my gyno wrote a letter so i can pay for it through my FSA which already comes out of my check.  not to mention the little girl who sits next to me at work going "cj you need to do this with me."  FINE!!! ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!  i went, i signed up and i got busy.  that first week i lost 3 lbs.  the next week i lost another 3 and lost steadily for the first four weeks. then i gained 1.8 and and another .6.  about ready to walk away at this point. 

so i'm sitting in the meeting thinking "i knew this wasn't going to work" and something the leader said caught my attention.  she said, "you shouldn't let the scale control you because this is not a lose weight now and leave it.  this should become your way of life."  so i started paying attention because she's right.  on this program, i am not doing anything special.  i am eating what i want when i want.  gotta have those mcdonald's fries every now and then right?  what i'm doing is retraining my thought processes about food and making myself do better.  i am making myself not skip a meal or eat some junk because it's quicker.  i am taking control of more than my life.  if i eat a snickers or a danish, i am only accountable to myself.  so when i get on that scale and i've gained, i know it's my fault and not the program.  i am doing what i preach about all the time.  I AM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ME.

yes genetics is a part of this because i have to work harder knowing i am predisposed to being overweight.  it's okay though.  if it takes a couple years to drop this other person i'm carrying, so be it.  i am 17 lbs lighter than i was in march and hopefully by my birthday i will be twice that.  i'm in no rush but i am determined.  so when i fall off the wagon, i won't just sit waiting for someone to put me back on.  i'll do it myself because this is about me and making me a better person.  me being happy.  me enjoying life the way i want, not how i am relegated because of my size

it's done

so last friday my baby girl graduated.  i am melancholy.  on the one hand i want her to go experience the world and on the other, i don't want to see her leave.  i am sure most or all parents go through this.  if she leaves, then who is going to be standing at the top of the stairs when i come in from work?  who is going to sneak and eat up my "healthy" snacks while i'm gone?  who's going to eat my leftovers when i go to my favorite restauran?  who's going to be the security of knowing when something bumps in the house?  yeah i know i'm being selfish but here's the thing, for 21 years i've mommy, ma or mother.  i don't know anything else to be.  so give me a minute to figure out this transition.

for all that, i still want her to leave home and do something.  i believe i am a much better person for having gotten out and done the few things i have.  i can't imagine have stayed in pensacola for the rest of my life.  that wasn't my destiny.  i had a wanderlust from a very young age.  i knew my happiness was somewhere else.  but i could and would have given up my happiness by staying because one person - my mother.  she didn't encourage me to leave but she didn't demand i stay.  she is the one and only reason i would have remained in pensacola.  that's not to say i do not love and miss my family (huge as it is) but they have their own children and grandchildren.  they are content.  i was not.  i don't want that for my children.  i don't want to feel tied to a place because of me.  i will be alright.  and if i'm not, a car or plane will get them to me. 

i know my youngest is struggling right now and i don't want to push her one way or the other.  but i dont want her to stay home because she's afraid of leaving me or being alone.  there's too much out there for her to experience and so much waiting for her to come get it